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Martie Maguire’s Cure for Facial BlemishesMartie macks the knife One of my favorite things about Martie is her idiosyncratic relationship with food, germs, and foreign particles. She is not a clean freak. Regular readers of the blog will recall that when she was in college, she once went a whole semester without washing her sheets. She claims that once they got past the "stinky stage," the sheets smelled like maple syrup. She even managed to convince two friends to confirm this absurd fact. But Martie definitely has a phobia of germs. During the tour, she once walked into the dressing room with a most horrified facial expression. One might think she had witnessed someone being tortured to death. But what happened? Apparently, Martie has just walked up to Henry, Emily’s son, to hug him, and he sneezed all over her. She got slimed. To make matters worse, Henry started licking up the mess. As you may recall, Martie also has a knack for finding strange things in her food. Years ago, she took a bite of her salad and discovered a live dragonfly fluttering its wings and wiggling around in her mouth. She also once found a bloody Band-Aid in her burger and, at a different place, discovered a giant wad of hair in her curly fries. Is Martie unlucky? Not in my opinion. She just finds the foreign objects that most of us ignore or overlook. Thus, you should not be surprised to learn that Martie – while already late to an event – once insisted on pausing for a few minutes to eliminate a cyclopean zit on my cratered, adorkable face. She is a complex woman. At the same time that she is disgusted with the pustule growing on my lower cheek, she is the only one who insists on dealing with it. Here is a blow-by-blow and step-by-step guide on how Martie removes facial acne: Step 1: Grab a Kleenex and pinch the surrounding area. Step 2: Push really hard around the surface until the subject squeals like a baby pig. Step 3: Pull really hard until all the good stuff oozes out. Step 4: Show off the decapitated pimple. * Before I met the Dixie Chicks, I
was asked to predict what would be the strangest thing that would happen on
this job.
In a million years, I never could have predicted that the correct answer would involve Martie popping my zit. Natalie's WingmanPlaying with the Boys Here's a great piece of trivia that I learned recently: Adrian Pasdar, husband of Natalie Maines and star of NBC's Heroes, made his debut on the silver screen with a small role in the movie Top Gun. That's Adrian, in the photo above, slouched behind Goose and Maverick. Adrian's character's name in Top Gun? Chipper. Which doesn't exactly describe how he looks in the photo above. All this time, I had no idea how few degrees separated me from the best beach volleyball scene in cinematic history. I wonder if he's ever told Natalie that her ego is writing checks that her body can't cash. A Diss From A RosePhoto of Fred Eltringham by Michelle Branch
Apparently, there are still a few who aren’t ready to make nice with the Dixie Chicks. Fred Eltringham, the drummer for the Wallflowers and the not-so-little drummer boy on the Chicks’ Accidents and Accusations Tour, is now touring with the Wreckers. Just when I was coming out of the fetal position from missing the good ol’ days when I would bring Fred a beer -- a fourth beer, really -- on stage, he wrote me an email from the road. After inquiring whether Natalie had yet to expose her private parts in Star while partying with K-Fed, he attached an interesting photo of him from backstage at the Grizzly Rose in Denver, Colorado. This picture above – taken by singer and expert photographer Michelle Branch – is of Grizzly Fred standing next to a sign posted backstage at the Grizzly Rose, where the Wreckers were performing that night. As you can see, the sign says, “As per management there will be NO Dixie Chicks performed in the Grizzly Rose! Thank you!” I assumed it was a joke played on him by his tourmates. But he assures me that it was an actual no-joke, not-meant-to-be-funny-or-ironic sign posted by Grizzly Rose management. How did they respond to the sign? That night, in addition to taking the photo and giving me permission to post it here, Fred and the rebellious Wreckers performed “Top of the World” in Denver, in honor of the Chicks. (Technically, “Top of the World” is a Patty Griffin song, but who am I to nitpick?) Props! Speaking of Fred photos, he also informed me that three of my pictures of him -- one of which is below -- ended up in the February 2007 issue of Modern Drummer magazine, which spotlighted him in an article titled: “HOT COUNTRY: The Drummers of Kenny Chesney, Toby Keith, and the Dixie Chicks.” I gave permission for the mag to use my photos in exchange for photo credit. But apparently, I didn’t get any photo credit in the magazine. Percussionist bastards! (Hey Modern Drummer: note how I gave credit to Michelle Branch for the picture above.) I thought about suing, but instead, I decided to post a sign in my house that states: “As per management, there will be NO Modern Drummer read in this living room! Thank you!” CENSO(RED)Natalie sent word of the fact that Slade, Beckett, and she will be appearing in Gap's latest RED campaign, which partially benefits the Global Fund to help women and children affected by HIV/AIDS in Africa. The ad -- which has been cropped above -- will debut in Vanity Fair's new "Africa" issue. Considering that some of those RED shirts say ADO(RED) or INSPI(RED), I'm disappointed that Gap didn't create a shirt for Natalie to wear that says: CENSO(RED) On the positive side, I'm thrilled to hear that somebody in marketing has a sense of humor. As you may know, the latest Vanity Fair has 20 covers with 20 different people. My spies tell me that the versions with President Bush on the cover (see below) all have the ad with Natalie in the next spread. But other versions, without President Bush on the cover, feature other Gap RED ads. What Famous People Do The Dixie Chicks Resemble?
Did you think of an answer to the above question?
If so, here's what you need to know. I discovered a website called My Heritage that is used, among other things, to document genealogy through its face recognition technology.
But the most amusing part of the site is the “Find the Celebrity in You™!” function where you can upload a photo and its software will recognize the faces and then tell you which celebrity most closely resembles the people in the photo.
Naturally, I tested this out by uploading a photo of the Dixie Chicks. Sadly (for the Dixie Chicks), My Heritage did not recognize Emily Robison as Emily Robison, Natalie as Natalie, or Martie as Martie. (After rigorous experimenting, I eventually figured out that they’re not in the databank of celebrities.)
So which celebrities did the trio most closely resemble?
According to My Heritage, Martie looks like Laguna Beach’s Kristin Cavallari, Emily is allegedly a double for actress Amanda Peet, and Natalie resembles “actress” Tara Reid.
But none of that matters.
All that matters is that I’ve been depressed for months because My Heritage thinks that my face approximates that of North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il. (Sadly, the screen capture above has not been altered or Photoshopped.)
The Chicks had a good laugh at these results ... mostly at my expense. |
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